


bones cast in a little low

by ashleykay



Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M, Gen, Growing Up, Original Character(s), Slow Burn, inspired by t.s. eliot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2018-09-14 19:59:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9200129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashleykay/pseuds/ashleykay
Summary: The year had not let up, the winter and spring had limped along, staggering with terrible heat that left an airless feeling hidden behind every building. The rain trickled into the back of her thin drab rain coat and made her shiver, it wasn't cold, it felt like a wretched sweat, the burn of the summer was unbearable, even with the wetness. The ground squelched under her flooded tennis shoes, her socks grew wet and dank as she made her way to the parking lot.OrDaria comes home after a few years in college. Nothing and everything has changed.





	1. Look ahead at the white road

The year had not let up, the winter and spring had limped along, staggering with terrible heat that left an airless feeling hidden behind every building. The rain trickled into the back of her thin drab rain coat and made her shiver, it wasn't cold, it felt like a wretched sweat, the burn of the summer was unbearable, even with the wetness. The ground squelched under her flooded tennis shoes, her socks grew wet and dank as she made her way to the parking lot. 

She noticed the wet rain dripped down each window pane and collected like lakes on the rubber of the car. 

“Lawndale, ho.” Jane's eyes twinkled at her. 

Daria huffed and slid, with a squeak, into the passenger side. 

“Now calm down, no heart attacks in the car. Might hurt the retail value.” Jane patted the dashboard, Daria rolled her eyes. 

The car was held together with duct tape and a prayer. 

“I'll try to contain myself, couldn't live if somehow I took the value down to 5 dollars over the the 10 it should get.”

“Hey now, it's at least worth 50, I mean, the back seat is intact and hey we have a doughnut back there.”

“It doesn't count if it's an empty Entenmann's box.”

The dark haired girl snorted, “As if, I am in an Arts college, I couldn't afford something as fancy as that.”

“Sorry to rub your face in my wealth.” 

“You're making me want some doughnuts.” Daria could feel Jane eye her but kept her own eyes on the drops racing down the front window. She hoped the one on the left would win. It seemed staggered and little. 

“What's wrong?”

The left drop limped slowly along. “Nothing. Just super excited about this long gloomy summer.”

“David?”

The poor drop slide into another and stopped moving. “It's got nothing to do with him.”

“School?”

The drop that was on the right side reached the bottom and it was gone too. 

Winning was losing.

“Is it your parents?” 

Then maybe loosing was just winning faster and better. 

“No, really it's nothing. Have you ever seen me happy for anything?”

“I can read and speak Daria rather fluently at this point and I have to say, you're on the depressing side right now.”

“You need a refresher course, maybe consult that translation guide.” 

The rain kept coming down and she didn't let her eyes leave the path the drops were. There were new ones now, the rain was harder and it sounded like Max's drumming, off rhythm. It made her throat itch. 

“Trent's pretty excited.” 

“How could you tell?”

“He took the day and night off. No gig.”

“And no nap? He must have really missed you. His bed might try to kill you for coming between them, at this point I'm sure they're common law married.” 

Jane was quiet for a minute. “He's not that bad anymore.”

Daria felt her throat close, she could hear David in her head, why so cruel, don't you know when to just not- She shook her head. 

She didn't.

She always kept going.

Always.

“It's been a long time since I saw him you know. I mean I've avoided Lawndale for two years now.”

“Well just be prepared, it's changed a lot.”

But it hadn't. 

Not really.

Even the outskirts of the town were the same. 

Same floppy wet grass. 

Even the air smelled the same, choking and small.

Daria sighed and closed her eyes again. She pressed her knees into the glove compartment, she wanted to open the door and run. 

Everything in her skin told her that she was going to regret coming here.

“Home sweet home.” 

“Could be sweeter.” Her voice waved. 

“A couple hour car ride, and still so- Really, what is it?”

“I don't think I should have come.” Daria licked her lips. 

“Is it really that bad with your parents? I know that you've had some trouble with-”

“It's not them, or I don't know, maybe it is. Just a gut feeling.” She blinked long again. “It feels like a step backwards or I- like something terrible is waiting for me. You know me, I don't subscribe to the generality of feelings. But- I- I think there's something in the air. Like a bad thing.” She shook her head again.

Daria finally looked at Jane, who kept glancing between Daria and the road. “Like are you afraid you're going to die? Like that kind of bad.”

Daria rolled her eyes, “No. Like I can taste the change in the air.”

“So change, you're afraid something is changing?”

Daria felt silly all the sudden. Like she was standing exposed. “Forget it.”

“No, I want to understand.” 

“It's the writer in me.”

“Really? Because you write political intrigue and things about revolution. Not a lot about feelings.”

The town tumbled along the window and Daria tried to swallow down the shivers.

“Still.”

“I'm not making fun of you. I mean- I usually do, it's fun to wind you up, but I can tell, something is really bothering you. Has been for awhile, since David-” Jane stopped talking and her fingers drummed the steering wheel. 

“You can say his name without me freaking out. It's over and I'm fine.”

“You never said what happened.”

“It's over.” She used her stern voice. The one that said there was nothing else to say. The road was shimmering and the unsteady rain plopped around them.

“I know.” Jane's voice was quiet, barely reached over the radio, “but, I meant how, I thought he was on the brink of marriage not divorce.”

There were over-sized puddles surrounding the drains, there was no where for anything to go.

“I'm a lot to handle.” Daria shrugged.

“He's weak.”

The smile didn't reach Daria's eyes. But it was there.

“And you know I can't handle weakness.” She said it with a low monotone. But it lifted something off her shoulders. And outside the rain kept going, filling the ditches and the drains and drowning the grass. 

Summer was just starting but it felt like it was dying.

They arrived at Jane's almost 10 minutes later.

The driveway was cracked and weeds spring like arms from them, even in the rain, they seemed stronger and more alive then the rest of the city.

The thought of it gave Daria pause. It sucked the air from her lungs. She stared at it from the window for too long.

“Daria?” Daria opened the door and stood in the rain. It soaked through her hair and dripped into her shoes.

“Sorry, Jane. Just was thinking.” Daria made way to the trunk as she spoke, but her mind kept picturing the weeds, the winding crack. 

“About?” Jane asked as she fiddled with the keys.

Like a garden of the unwanted. Those weeds, those horrible cracks. “Gardens.” It came out like a cough, sudden and without thinking.

“You. Are. So. Weird.” But Daria could hear the laughter in her voice.

“Hey Daria.” She turned quickly and her fogged glasses made a halo around him. 

“Trent.” He reached for her, his arms snaked around her for hug. 

She stiffened and he paused.

“Sorry.” He grinned. “Forgot you aren't into being touched.”

She nodded but hugged him briefly. “It's been awhile.” She remembered the last time she had seen him, it had been at a show, so long ago. He'd looked down at her from the stage, smiled slightly and then nothing. She'd gone home before the second set. She'd left while he'd been sleeping. The crush was gone and over but still he made something in her sieze. Maybe because he was so different from her. Something she envied. He could live without structure. Without the future beating him. 

She couldn't move without thinking about how it would effect everything. She played chess with life. And Trent was off playing nothing, there was never a game from, nothing to win at. Nothing to lose at either and it made her jealous in an odd sort of way.

She glanced up at him again while they got soaked and his arms still pulled at her.

But she didn't see him as he was at the moment. She saw him ages ago, with the goatee, the slumped back. Staring at her from the stage. 

Like he had answers for questions she hadn't thought of yet.

“What about a sister?” 

He laughed, let Daria go and was to Jane in a few steps. They crashed into each other and Daria wondered what it would be like to look forward to seeing a family member. She froze thinking of calling her parents. They'd be angry she wasn't coming to stay with them. She have to hear the disappointment.

“Missed you, Brother.” 

“You too, Janey.”

“Well let's get inside, Daria's got a garden to plan.”

He raised an eyebrow at her but she ignored it in favor of grabbing her bags from the trunk. 

“Let me help.”

“I'm not going to turn down help with manual labor.” She shoved a bag at him and he picked up three of Jane's bags along with hers. 

She watched as he scuttled along to the house.

The cracks seemed like canyons. 

He jumped over a puddle and landed on the stretching weeds.

“Are you coming? Or waiting to drown?”

Drown. She thought. Let me drown.

She shrugged instead. “Sorry-”

“The gardens?” Jane grabbed the sleeve of Daria's jacket and dragged her long.

There was a shadow of life where once stood a weed.


	2. that sound in the high air

She stood dripping at the phone stand. It soaked in the carpet and she thought of taking off her boots. Of going to her parents house.

Of calling a cab and finding an Amtrack and not looking back. 

“You have to actually pick up the phone and press the buttons.” 

“Damn, you'd think college would have taught me the important stuff.” She ran her finger along the phone.

“This is where you dial. It's one of the most important parts. Maybe I should grab you some paper, you might want to to take notes.”

Daria rolled her eyes at Jane. “But the numbers are so confusing.”

Jane plucked the phone from her hand and dialed. “Tell them you're here and alive and you'll see them tomorrow.”

“Sounds complicated, where's that note pad you mentioned.”

“I never thought it come to this but we'll just have to cheat. I'll sign the answers to you.” Jane made motions with her hand.

“Hey mom.” She watched as Jane made a heart with her hands. Daria shook her head. “Yeah, Jane and I just got in. Hmm. Yeah, we're good. No I don't think I'll come by tonight. We're tired. Tomorrow.” Daria let out a sigh. “Night.”

The click sounded too loud for some reason. 

“Shall I take you to your room, Miss. We don't have wake up service or room service. We might not have any service at all. But much like Hotel California, you can check out-”

“Anytime.” 

“You like. But you can never leave. You're stuck, baby.” 

“I knew what I signed up for. And still better here. Than, well I guess no where. I've got no place-” Her throat closed up. “Thanks. Thanks for you know, everything.”

Jane's grin fell, just slightly. “Still feel odd?”

“No, I'm fine.”

Jane lifted her eyebrows. 

“I am.”

“A garden?”

She shrugged. “I like plants.”

“No you don't. You're not fond of anything living.”

David's face stared at her from the shadows. So cruel. “No. I am not. But plants can't talk so they're a step above the average.”

Penny's room was exactly as the last time she was in there. It made her dizzy.

“Same old, same old.” Jane dropped Daria's bags to the floor.

“Like a time machine.” 

“Daria, really, what happened with David.”

“He-” 

“You girls still like pizza.” Trent's face appeared from the door. 

Daria let the air slip from her lungs. “Yeah, sounds good.”

*****************************

“What made you finally come back?” Trent said it around a bite of pizza. She took the moment to really look at him. In some ways everything about him had changed. His hair was a bit longer. No more goatee. His facial hair was scruffy like he'd forgotten to shave for a few days. His eyes seemed darker, more forbidden. The thought caught in her throat. But then other things were exactly the same. 

The green shirt. The holey pants. Even the line of earrings remained the same. It had only been two years but somehow it seemed like a whole lifetime.

“My summer plans kind of got disrupted.” 

“Something to do with that guy.”

There was a heat rising to her cheeks. “I guess.” She shoved a bite into her mouth.

“What?”

“We broke up.” It was heavy, those words, she had really only told Jane, and now that she had said it out loud it felt more real. 

“Oh, sorry.”

She shook her head and tried to peer at the back for Jane, she had just been going to the bathroom. “It's fine. Who ends up with their first love anyway, right?”

She thought suddenly of Monique. Was that his first love, his last?

“What about you?” She kept her eyes on the aisle that lead to the bathrooms as she asked. 

“Bands good. We have a good lead on some stuff.” She glanced up at him. Even as he said it, there was something hidden in the tone. It wasn't like it was. There was a sadness to him that nibbled at her ear.

“Good.” Again his eyebrow went up. She winced and continued. “It's what you've been going for, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You guess?” 

A loud clap of thunder caused her to jump. The lights flickered. He looked deadly in the flash of light.

“It's not all I thought. Or it's exactly it. I can't really remember.”

And there for a minute it was exactly the feeling of the last time she had been home, had seen him looking down at her. 

He knew something, something that she couldn't put a name to and the thought frightened her more than she could say. 

“Afraid of selling out?” Her voice as normal, mono toned, but she felt her heart racing beneath her temples. 

“Nah, would never do that.”

The pizza was congealing, and outside the wind was still but the lighting and thunder played a symphony.

“I wish it would stop raining.” Daria drummed her fingers against the table. It was drowned out by another clap of thunder.

“I feel like were going to have to build an ark to survive the summer.” Trent wasn't looking at her. He was off somewhere in his own world, staring at the rain through the window. 

She felt like that's all she did herself anymore. She couldn't keep her head on straight. It felt like everything in her life was coming to a head. But she couldn't for the life of her figure out what it was at the end of the tunnel. She had spent so long with planning and knowing and looking at everything from every possible angle. 

She was still playing chess but it felt as if the game had changed in the middle and she had no idea of the rules. 

She couldn't win

She felt the air grow heavy, she thought of that drop on the window in the car. Stupid and small and destined to lose.

Winning was losing.

So losing was just winning faster.

Isn't that what had been playing in her head.

So what was she doing. Going fast or slow. Would it all lead to the same place then. Was there nothing she could do but wait it out?

The thought of that made her eyes well up with unwilling tears. 

Without warning, the lights flickered again and then went out all together. 

“Jane.” She stood,stumbling. Trent's hand clutched to her wrist. 

“You won't be able to see her.” She heard him shuffling. Then she felt something cool and metal.

“It's a flashlight. The Tanks old, it breaks down a lot need something to see by. Duct tapes a bitch if you don't know where to put it.”

He was illuminated by a lightening flash.

He was exactly what she didn't need. Someone else to be disappointed in her. Someone so far removed from her dreams and the things she was planning. But in that moment, with the lightening making him something surreal. She found herself wanting to do nothing more than to touch him. To scrap her fingers over his skin till she carried pieces of him with her till her body settled. This wasn't lust. Wasn't as simple as a crush.

It was consuming and wretched.

It was deadly.

She did the only thing that could be done.

She ran, the flashlight still clutched in her hand, looking for Jane. Calling her friend's name over and over. 

Pizza King was small and for a Monday it held few people. 

“Jane?”

“Daria?”

Daria felt relief wash over her. “What happened? Fall in?”

“Uh, no, I uh-”

“Hey Daria.” Daria's paused the light above his head. Although she didn't need to see him to know the voice.

“Tom.” She kept her voice level.

Then like God commanded in the beginning there was light again.

They were sitting so close it looked like they were sharing jeans. “Sorry, to bother you guys.” Daria turned on heel and walked past Trent and the pizza, she went straight for the door.

She never even turned around.

Outside was miserable and sweltering and gray. The puddles had become lakes and she trudged along, ignoring the windless storm that battered around her.

She wasn't even sure why it bothered her so much to see Jane and Tom together. It was so long gone. So far past that she didn't care if they started something again. 

No it was something else, it was dead lights and the thunder. 

It was the image of Trent shining.

It was David who she couldn't get far enough from. Or close enough to.

It was being here and feeling the same and so different,

She wasn't in high school anymore but it felt like she was there again. Like she would never break free. She was out of air, out of time out. Out. Out. 

She didn't know where in was. How to go back or go forward.

“Hey!” Her head shot up. There was Trent in his newest broken down car. Her feet kept going but she stared at him back light by the rain and lamp posts. “Daria, stop.”

She did. “Sorry.”

“Just get in the car. You can't walk in weather like this.”

“What do you mean? Gene Kelly has a whole movie named for this kind of situation.”

“Get in.” He was smiling but it felt odd.

“I'll get your car all wet.”

“I think it'll survive.”

She was already half way in.

“You still like Tom?” 

She huffed. “Waste no time.”

“Do you?”

She shook her head. “No. I don- It's like high school.” She bit her lip. She couldn't explain it. Not with out telling him about David, about school, about the rain drop that loses or the weeds that he crushed and even then it would make no sense. 

She couldn't stand nonsense.

She couldn't stand herself at the moment.

She settled on saying. “I don't think I should have come back to town. It's like finding your favorite shoes and putting them on and they fit but they don't and it's all wrong somehow.”

He nodded. “I get it.”

It felt airless in the car.

“Sorry,” he said. “the heaters broken, it won't turn off.” 

“Could be worse.”

“Not really.” But again he wasn't looking at her. He was lost out the window. And even though it was nonsense, it felt like he was talking about more than just the car.

“Can you drop me off at my parent's house?” Her voice broke the odd silence. 

“Aren't you staying with us?”

She scratched at her knee. “Yeah- I don't know, I mean yes, that's what Jane and I sort of thought about. I haven't told them about David yet. And Quinn's coming down with her newest fiancee. But-”

“If you aren't upset by Tom, then why are you leaving?”

Daria didn't know. It wasn't Tom, it wasn't Jane either. 

Hell it wasn't even David, even when it felt like it. It was her. Something was wrong with her. With her life, with the feeling that wouldn't leave her alone.

“Daria?”

“I don't know. It's not Tom. It's- I don't know.”

The car pulled to a shaky stop in front of her parent's house. There was sigh that she held back, it wasn't hers anymore. It hadn't really felt like home. But now it felt even more foreign. 

“Thanks Trent.” 

“No problem.” The street lights blinked as the power stuttered. His hand was on her shoulder. “Look, if you get in there and you can't, you know, whatever, for whatever reason, call me. I can pick you up. You're welcome to come back whenever.”

His fingers felt scorching. 

“Okay.” 

“Really, call me. Promise.” Daria thought suddenly thought of the multimedia project. Sometimes  
30 seconds was a too much.

“Okay, Trent. If I decide to come back tonight I'll call you.”

His teeth shined in the night. Everything else was dark and terrible. 

He waited for her to reach the house before he drove away. She stayed staring after him for a long time, watching that broken horrible car get smaller and smaller till all she could see is the shadow of where he'd been. 

The door suddenly opened and she stood facing her mother.

“Daria, I thought you said-”

Daria felt embarrassed, she realized how she must look, dripping and slobby. Her favorite jacket almost black with rain and even though she wasn't in high school anymore she wished she had the boots and the skirt and the armor.

“Sorry, I just-” She hated how much she'd been saying and hearing sorry lately.

“No it's fine. Of course we're happy to see you. Come in. Out of the rain. I'm sure we can find you something to wear.”

Daria stood in the entry way and let the water fill the floor. 

“I'll grab you a towel sweetheart.”

“Thanks, mom.” She tried to peer around the corner but the house looked empty. It sounded quiet too. 

“Your Dad drove to the airport to pick up Quinn, Eric called you know how it is.” Her mom called from the downstairs bathroom.

“Can I stay here tonight?” She felt absolutely pathetic but she kept her face strong. No hint of her shaky hold on everything.

“Well of course.” Helen placed the towel in her hand. “I missed you sweetheart.”

“Me too, Mom.” The moment lingered on to long. “My room still okay?”

“Well you know we redecorated last year, but it is still a bedroom.”

Different. 

The same.

It never really ended.

A hot shower and a pair of her Mom's clean pajamas later and she was curled into a strange bed. Her old room was decorated with flowers and greens and bright yellows that stuck out in the hot stifling room.

She twisted and stuck a leg out of the blanket.

Her Mom was downstairs waiting for everyone else to get in. But she had pleaded exhaustion. Still she couldn't sleep. The lights flickered in the hallway and the thunder hadn't let up. 

She knew she should call Jane or she should go back to where she came from. 

Maybe she should act her age and sit downstairs to greet Quinn when she came home. She could throw her arms around her sister and pretend for awhile they were more like Lanes than Morgendoffers. 

She almost giggled at the thought. They would never be the type.

Still.

She wanted something. A moment. A second. Something that she couldn't hold in her hand. But was something that was missing all the same. 

“Daria?” Her Mom's face peaked in.

“Hmmm?” She acknowledged but didn't move.

“Honey, Jane's on the phone for you.”

Daria starred at the white popcorn ceiling. 

“Tell her I'll call her tomorrow, okay. I'm just to tired to do anything right now.”

“Okay.” Helen paused at the door. “Daria, did something happen?”

Everything. Daria thought, instead she answered. “Nothing, Mom.”

“Okay if you say so. But you know you can- I know things have been difficult between us all. But I am your Mother and well, I am here.”

“Thanks, Mom. I know.”

Daria twisted again as the door closed. 

The wall was a sickly blue color. She felt surrounded in the worst way.

She really should call Jane. Tell her that she was...she was something. She was going crazy. That she was messed up. That she wasn't upset about Tom or anything. 

Again the lights flickered. Daria cracked the window, it was stagnant in the room, the rain dripped onto the window sill and sloshed into the room.

She walked soundlessly to the phone in the hallway outside of her door. She could hear her Mom on her cell phone downstairs.

It rang four times before there was an answer.

It was a slurred hello.

“Trent?”

“Hey Daria, need me to come get you?” His voice was stronger now.

“No, I'm all dressed for bed. My sister's coming in, thought I might stay the night at least.” It came out fast and smashed together.

“Oh.”

“I just wanted to- I was going to- Well Jane called.”

“I can go get her.” Daria stubbed her toe as she rushed back to her room. 

“God dam- No, that's okay.” Tears pricked her eyes. Damn toe. Damn rain. 

“It's fine.”

Tears dropped quickly. “No.” Her voice didn't wavier though. “I was just going to tell her.” She didn't know what she was going to say. Instead she let the silence grow. It was overwhelming.

“Daria.”

“I don't know what I was going to say. I guess tell her I'm not mad. I'm not-” The smallest gasp escaped her, it was as watery as the weather.

“Are you okay? Daria...” 

“Yes. I'm fine. Really.” 

“You-”

The lights fell away again and it was so dark. Nothing but the sound of the thunder. It sounded like a heartbeat.

“Do you think I'm cruel?” She said it rushed. She said it to the lightening. To the thunder. She didn't expect any kind of answer.

“Of course not.” 

“I am. I am. I know it. I've never really cared what people thought. No, that's not the truth. I expect the worst so that I am not disappointed. I say mean things. I make fun of things, even if it hurts others. Because I would rather strike than be stricken.”

“No-”

“Yes, yes. David was right. He was right.” It came bubbling out of her. Over and over. She saw David's face, his wide brown eyes, his smile, then his grimace. She remembered his kiss. His kiss off. Why so cruel. 

“I don't know exactly what happened between you two but-” Then there was a lonely awful silence. The power was gone and so was the phone line.

She was in the dark and she was alone.

She fell asleep before any of the power was returned. 

*************************

She was curled on the floor and her hip hurt terribly. 

It was sweltering in the room and the sweat made her legs sticky. She could hear the rain beating against the roof. It would be another day like this. She just wished the rain would stop. It was becoming almost unbearable. Everything was sticky and damp and it seemed to seep into everyone's skin. The rain brought no relief. It was still so hot. Still no wind. How long could they all go on till the town floated away.

“Daria?”

It was Jane standing at the door. She was wearing jean shorts and a poncho but had the saddest looking eyes Daria had seen since the high school Tom incident. It made Daria wince.

“Hey Lane.” 

“Are we talking now?”

Daria sat up and shrugged. “Yeah. I just needed-”

“I'm sorry you found out about Tom like that.”

“So you guys are dating again?”

“No.” Jane sighed. “Yes. Sort of. We're hanging out.”

“Wow. How very adult.”

“Look, I don't want you to hate me.”

Daria stood up and stretched. “I don't- It's not about Tom, or you. It's me. It's just a me thing. I don't know why it-. I don't know, Jane. But I'm not mad. You want to hang out with him. That's on you. But if you don't mind I'd like to sit out on this one. I don't really want to befriend him.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I really don't want to go back to being friend's with Tom, it's smells to much of high school and I can't do that. It's enough that I'm back in this town.”

“I don't mean being his friend. But at least your not mad anymore.”

“Never was. Not really.” She collapsed back on the bed, the yellow of the room burned her eyes in the grey of the day. “Did you come over because Trent told you?”

“Why would Trent tell me to come over?”

“Because of the phone call?”

“You called Trent? I thought you didn't want to revert back to high school shenanigans.”

“It wasn't like that. I called for you. But he answered. The phone died. You know the power and all.”

But it didn't appear that Jane was convinced as her brows were meeting her hairline and she stared at Daria.

“Really.” Daria said.

“He was hoarding the phone last night thought he had a girl or something.” It was a loaded question and Daria knew it.

“He made me promise that I'd call if I wanted to go back to the house.” Daria tried not to look at the room anymore. It made her sick. “I don't know.”

“For a fancy college girl, you don't know a lot these days.”

“Don't I know.”


	3. picked his bones in whispers

Waking up in Penny's room was different, the small window spread only the thinnest rays of light, they barely reached the bed that sat like a couch where it was hunkered and low and seemed to squat against the corner. 

But it was still so warm. The rain had waned sometime in the night but the clouds hung low and weary in the sky, like a threat, like they were just waiting for the right moment to open up.

She'd slept in a pair of short pajamas but had at some point kicked them off in a fit of sweaty rage. The covers laid dropped and careless on the floor. 

And the sweat gathered at every nook of her body. She could smell the moist clinging scent rolling off of her.

The room was stale and she had to remind herself to take deep breaths. All this time she was wishing for the rain to end when she should have been thinking of a wind or of some movement of air. 

She pulled herself up and looked around for her bag. Jane had cleaned out some of the drawers for her but she couldn't make herself unpack. 

She still dreamed of running. 

Making that fast get away. 

She still had time before the Lane household would be up. As it was barely 7 am on a Wednesday. But it was already burning. The fan behind her sputtered and started again on it's turn around the room. 

She sighed and clicked the door behind her. The bathroom light was on but the door was wide open. 

“Is the anyone there?” She stayed back from the door just in case.

“It's me.” Trent's voice was low and cracked.

“Sorry.” She spun back around.

“Hey, you don't have to go.” 

“Well, unless something has radically changed from just a few hours ago, I don't think your bathroom suddenly grew multiple shower stalls.”

“Well no, but I am done. I was just drying off.”

“With the door open?”

She heard his laugh, throaty, no cough. She blushed, but she wasn't really sure why. 

“Yeah, it's just so hot and there's no window. Can't stand it, even with only the cold water going. Should have figured you'd be up. Not use to other people here. I mean Janey but she doesn't count.”

She nodded even though no one could see her.

“I couldn't sleep.”

“I know it's just to fucking hot. I have the fan going in my room but even not moving, I wake up covered in sweat.”

“I know, I kept hoping it would stop raining and now that is has, well I should have been wishing for a freak snow storm. I always preferred cold to hot.”

He stood in front her then, his grin wide and kind. 

“Yeah, you can always layer it up but you can only take so much off.”

She snorted. “Yeah, if it keeps this up, I'm joining a nudist colony. My parents know some crazy hippies. It's time to disappoint the family.”

His grin widened. There was a look in his eyes that made her fingers flex.

“Sounds like a solid plan.”

“Saved any cold water?'

“Yeah it's all yours.”

She brushed past him. The walls were still damp and she felt a rush of something knowing that he was here just moments ago.

He had breakfast waiting when she made her way downstairs.

It was a bowl of her favorite sugary cereal. 

“To hot to make anything. Hope that's okay.”

“Perfect. To hot to eat something hot.”

“What are you up to today?”

She shrugged. She should look for some part time work. Or visit with her family. Fiance number two was hanging out with Quinn.

“Lounge. Maybe pull out the kiddie pool and find a shady place. What about you?”

“Work, then you know we have a gig tonight.”

“Where are you working now?” She pushed the bits of cereal deeper into the milk. Fooled around with them, watched them drown.

“Axl's.” He smirked at her and took a large dripping bite.

“Piercing?” His laugh was hearty but he shook his head.

“I book appointments and sometimes I work at The Low Down. The music store beside Axl's.” 

“All grown up now, working for the man.” Her voice sounded soft and strange. Not her at all. Daria shook her head. The heat was just to much.

Trent's voice broke through her thoughts. “Yeah, if you get hungry enough, you start rethinking the whole concept of a regular paycheck.” 

She really didn't know what to say. It was responsible of him, but somehow it still seemed wrong. 

“So is the gig at The Zon?”

Trent shook his head. “Nah, we actually have something out of town in Oakwood.” He bowed his head and looked embarrassed. It made her bit her lip.

“Nothing wrong with Oakwood. I mean besides the fact that they have an even worse football team than Lawndale.”

“I don't know. Just seems silly. I mean by now I thought we'd be going some place.”

“You are, to Oakdale.”

He laughed but it was hollow. “I thought it be further than 30 miles south.”

“Well, to get anywhere you have to reach the 30 mile mark somewhere.”

Trent's hand reached across the table and closed over hers. “Thanks, for keeping things in perspective.”

“Well, you know me.”

“Daria?”

“Hmm?”

His fingers squeezed. “About the phone call.”

“Forget it. I was upset-”

“Just, what David-”

“It's nothing okay.” She grabbed her bowl and chucked it into the sink. “It was the heat and the storm. It's done.”

“Look, I'm here, you know if you want to talk.”

“There's nothing to talk about and if there was I've got Jane. I don't need anyone else especially someone who doesn't have any direction in his own life.” 

He jerked back as if she hit him. And there was David's voice in her head, clear and real. She was so fucking cruel, pouncing and striking everyone who just wanted to get close to her.

“Sor-”

“No, I'm sorry, Daria. I don't really have any right to your business. We aren't even really friends. We're just-” His bowel joined hers and he was walking out. “nothing. Tell Janey, I'll call her when I get to the gig.”

Daria slumped against the counter. 

She was exactly what David believed she was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

 

“You're not upset are you?”

Daria shook her head. 

“It's just Tom and I thought-”

“I'm not upset.” And she wasn't at least not about that. She kept thinking of Trent. Of this morning. There was his face, pinched and tight in her mind. 

She pushed back the sigh and wiped her brow of the sweat. They were sitting outside, spread out in lawn chairs that had seen better days. 

There were angry clouds looming ahead but it didn't stop the heat and the shadows didn't provide any comfort. 

“You could come you know.” 

“No.”

“Really, Tom isn't so bad-”

“Look,” Daria shifted in the seat again as she slid through the rubbery bands on the seat of the chair,” I love that you are looking out for me and trying to keep me in the loop this time around. But I honest to God, do not want anything to do with you and Tom and hanging out. It's not that I hate him. It's that when I am done with people, I'm done . I don't need that kind of rehash in my life.”

“Got it.” But Daria noticed that Jane's eyes didn't waiver from her own. 

“What is it?”

“What happened between you and Trent this morning?”

“Nothing.”

“It didn't seem like nothing. Him and you, seem to have gotten close and then I get up this morning-

“It was almost 3 in the afternoon.”

“This morning for a Lane. And-”

This time she let the sigh escape her. “Nothing. He wasn't even in when you finally greeted daylight. And can I just ask how the hell you can sleep with it this hot.”

“The heat just makes me more tired.”

“Hmmm, I thought you told me the same thing about the cold.”

“Ahh, but the cold leads to extra blankets and warm spots, which makes heat. Which leads to sleep.” Jane punctuated her statement with a lift of her eyebrows over her sunglasses. “And don't try to change the subject. Trent's been different since we got in town and he seemed especially close to you.”

“It's been two days. Did you think we became best friends in that little of time.”

“It only took us one self esstem class.”

Daria got up with some embarrassing struggle. “You're different.”

“The tits didn't let you know?”

“I just mean, I don't-” She bit her lip and huffed. “Trent and I are- we- he. I-”

“Damn College Girl, ask for a refund, you have lost the ability to speak. And that was like your thing before you got there.”

“Trent and I aren't anything.”

“You're friends.”

Daria thought of Trent's parting words. They might have been once. But she was a cruel person. 

“We're by proxy friends.”

“By proxy?”

“Because of our connection to you and that's it. He's nice to me because I'm your best friend. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Something happened. And I will find out. And don't think I won't. Or that I forgot that you haven't explained anything about David.”

“You kept Tom from me until I found out myself.”

This time it was Jane who huffed. “I thought it didn't matter.”

“Tom doesn't but the not telling me does.” Daria's face pinched and suddenly she felt the loss of Trent. Of the way he just knew. It was Tom and it wasn't. It was David and her own faults. “But I get it. I do. Something you just have to play close to the chest till you're ready.”

“Like you and Trent.”

Daria refused to answer and stalked into the house slamming, as well as she could, the sliding door behind her.

“Really?”

“Let it go, Jane. No matter how much you think you know what's going on, you don't. Trent and I aren't going to end up together and we don't have some torrid affair going on behind your back. We didn't have some sort of fight, or some sort of closesness. Like I said, we ate breakfast at the same time and he said he had work and a gig and that he'd call you when he got there. The end. Nothing more.”

“He was so weirdly excited when he knew you were coming back with me. He cleaned up Penny's room. I asked him what was up.”

“And what did he say?' Daria had a feeling she already knew the answer. 

“That he just missed how it was.” But Jane's mouth was thinned out and Daria knew she didn't want to say the last part. Jane did anyway. “That it was nothing.” 

Daria nodded. “Because that's what it is. It was a big change for you and me to head off to Boston. And it was big for him too. To be here all by himself. I think he just missed something familiar. It wasn't some weird thing where he was going to admit to being in love with me. Or me throwing myself at him.”

“It could happen.”

Daria did laugh then. Just because it was so high school Jane to push for something so far fetched. “No, it couldn't. We're very different. And I think were both grown up enough to know that.”

“What does age have to do with matters of the heart.”

“Everything. At least with me. And besides, I don't think I'll ever be ready after David.”

“Was he really-”

“I'm not meant for relationships. I think Tom and Greg and David would agree with that.”

“I don't. We are a relationship and we work.”

Daria let a rare full smile claim her face. “Yeah and you're the only one. I think you can handle me better.” 

“I don't have to handle you. There's nothing wrong with you. I mean more so than anyone else. No one's perfect.”

“Except you.”

“Except me.” They said in unison. And everything felt better, if only for this moment. 

“I just mean, if something were to happen with you and my brother, Trent that is, stay away from Wind I want you as part of the family but not at that cost, it wouldn't be the worst. You and him, there's something-”

“We are complete opposites.”

“Sort of. But not as much as you'd think. I mean yes, you are more sturdy in way. And he's more fly by your pants. But he stood by me when the rest of the family was, well you know. And you dropped everything to come here and you took that chance on Tom in high school.”

“That's not what I mean.”

“What more is there?”

“Besides the fact that we aren't interested in each other, try the fact that my life is in Boston, where I go to school and I live. And the fact that he lives here and I could never come back here.”

“It's not like he has to be here. When you want something, you can have it. There are ways.”

“There is the problem. You have to want it.”

“And you don't?”

Daria blanked on what to say. She didn't. She just wanted to be okay. She wanted to feel better. She wanted to be a better person that she felt like she was.

“Not like you mean.” 

“But you want something.” Daria wanted to take back what she said. To go back to the unspoken feeling of being safe with him.

She wanted to be forgiven. 

She wanted David to still love her. 

Wanted her Dad to be less angry. 

She sighed. The sweat rolled down her spine. 

When Daria finally spoke it was low and soft and felt like a dead breeze on the air. “I want us to be friends.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Jane gone the house creaked and groaned.

It left her peering behind every closed door. Checking and rechecking windows. 

It was to hot to walk before the sun set, so she laid sprawled on the basement floor. It was dark and dank and windowless.

She kept thinking about David and Trent and Jane and Tom. 

She thought about Boston.

Her parents.

She thought about what it was she really wanted.

She thought about who it was she hoped to be.

Mostly she thought about the long terrible summer. The rain that wouldn't stop and then the gray warm skies that kept haunting her every day.


	4. the evening hour that strives

The rain stopped suddenly late on a Wednesday afternoon. As if the sky had choked and stuttered. And the weeks of wet flooded earth was a mirage. The Sun stuttered through the clouds and burned them away. All that was left was blue sky and a heat that crinkled the ground and left tall unwavering shadows stretched all around. She had been sitting in her parent's kitchen when the the drops had stopped tapping at the windows. There was an eerie silence that followed. It filled up all the space, it seemed to move the air. The bright light slipped through the blinds. Her breath felt caught in her throat. A fear she couldn't name dug into her lungs and she felt an unnatural urge to cry. She blinked and willed away the dampness that gathered at her eyes.

 

The house was empty except for her. She was still avoiding the questions of David and when he was coming down. She felt terribly as if high school wasn't over and all the loneliness was back again. The bright light was too much and the tears felt too real.

 

She bolted from her chair and hastily wrote a note for her mom. She stumbled her way to her room, that wasn't really her room, packed a bag as fast as she could. She kept thinking of the silence in the kitchen, the hot bright light and the way it felt as if she was standing on the edge of a cliff with no where to go but down.

 

````````

Daria stood outside the Lane residence, the sun and clear sky beating against the back of her legs. There was sweat as heavy as the rain had been, dripping from her forehead and catching around her glasses.

 

The wet ground was drying into humid heat and it made the town feel suffocating. There wasn't room to breath.

 

She blinked and hoped someone was home. She knocked again and watched her shadow waver in the sun.

 

There was no answer.

 

She felt as if she was burning alive.

 

Finally she crumpled to the front porch, exhausted and dripping.

 

She curled her head into her knees and felt herself giving up to the town. It felt that no matter how far away she went, how long she was gone, nothing ever changed. Jane was dating Tom, her parents wanted something from her she couldn't give them, and Quinn seeming to have it all without the effort.

 

She was going to be stuck in high school all her life.

 

She was going to be stuck in Lawndale, no matter the name of the city, all her life.

 

“Hey, Daria.”

 

Above her Trent's shadow blocked out the Sun.

 

`````````

 

Daria was laying in front of Jane's fan, her shirt tied around her middle and a cold water bottle balanced in the middle of her back.

 

“You have keys to the house. You can always just come in, you know.” Jane wiped her hand across her forehead. “Mi casa, su casa.”

 

Daria shrugged. It felt to hard to explain, how strange it all felt. She didn't feel welcome here, or she did, but it was different. Like going to her Grandparents house. It was a place with people who cared about her. But it wasn't hers. She didn't belong. “I didn't know if maybe you were out. Or something. I mean you said you were thinking of going to Tom's 'summer' house for the week.”

 

“You know even if I'm not here, you have a place here.” Jane heaved a sigh and threw her arms and legs akimbo across her bed.

 

Daria stared at the baseboard, it was stained and had a thin film of dust, she wasn't sure she belonged anywhere. “Yeah. I know.”

 

The air was stale and Daria was suddenly tired. She could barely keep her eyes open, and when she dreamed, the she choked on the air and felt her eyes water in sleep and heat. She dreamed of the Sun, the dry empty ground, nothing would grow, the weeds died and everything dried into dust.

 

\----

 

Jane got the call on Thursday. They'd been lying on the shadowed grass beneath the only tree in the Lane backyard. The overgrowth of grass tickled her arms and the sun was burning her bare legs. She tried to ignored Jane as she left for the kitchen, instead calling for Jane to bring her a drink.

 

She had been half asleep when Jane had come back, Jane's shadow loomed over her, Daria felt her stomach clinch and roll.

 

“It's Trent.”

 

She moved quickly hoping the swirl in her belly would settle. It had still taken them 30 minutes to get to the hospital.

 

Above them the clouds parted and cleared.

 

It was the bluest sky Daria had ever seen.

 

The car ride was silent and Daria had to watch the yellow lines blinking along the road to keep her from filling up the overwhelming silence.

 

She hated hospitals, she had a white burning memory of Mad Dog dying in one, it had smelled of disinfected and she could still see her father's shoulders shaking with tears. She'd been eight, but she'd kept the image with her always.

 

She didn't want to imagine Trent there. Bruised, pained...suffering. To her, Trent was infinite, something like a touchstone in her life, far enough away from her to not effect her daily toils but close enough that he could be a beacon of memory, the good parts of high school of growing older. His constant self belief that something could happen with the Spiral. His soft way of knowing, always knowing, the obliviousness giving away to a bigger truth of true understanding. To be looked at by Trent was to be seen, for the worst and best parts of herself.

 

For him to no longer be okay. But no, he was. He was okay.

 

Daria glanced over to Jane, who's face was paler than normal. Tears were welled in her eyes. Daria wasn't one for touch or physicality. But she itched to take Jane's hand in her own.

 

Instead she swallowed her feelings and stared at the road ahead.

 

Daria shifted in her chair again, her knees jiggled she sighed and bit back a cough. The room smelled of sweat and sickness, she chanced a look at Jane from the corner of her eye, she was on the third round of pacing.

 

Daria felt that knot pull at her stomach, she wanted to lift her hand and pull Jane to her. She balled up her fists instead.

 

“Family of Trent Lane?”   
  
Daria watched Jane instead of the Doctor. Suddenly she felt as if she couldn't breathe, she couldn't sit here and listen to the news. She watched Jane nod her head and lift her fingers to her mouth. Daria kept listening to her own breath, _in out inout inininout_. He could die. He might be dead. _Inout out out_. She was going to choke.

 

Jane's fingers brushed her shoulder.

 

“The said he'll be up for visitors in a couple hours, he's going to be okay.” Daria watched the tears drip down Jane's face. Daria grabbed her hand and found herself with arms full of Jane. “Oh, God, Daria. What if-” The choking sound of Jane's sobs were swallowed up by the intercom and the news playing in the background.

 

“But he isn't. He's going to be okay, right?”

 

Jane nodded into her shoulder.

 

Daria let her fingers brush through Jane's dark hair. It had gotten so long. So much had changed. “Did they say what happened?”

 

“Weren't you listening?” Jane sniffed loudly into Daria's hair.

 

Daria shook her head. “I couldn't-”

 

“The Tank crashed. No seat belts. Do the math.” Jane stood back up, her red nose wet and her eyes narrowed. “Stupid Trent, so fucking careless.”

 

“Well I mean-”

 

“Don't defend him. He could be dead, instead of broken.” Daria wouldn't be surprised if Jane grew fangs with her teeth bared like that.

 

“How broken?”

 

“Fractured femur. Bruised. Broken rib.” Jane closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. “He was asleep in the back. Got crushed by an amp.”  
  


“Could have been a lot worst.” Daria unzipped her jacket. The room was becoming oppressive with the heat. “Could have fractured his head.” She bit her lip. “Or you know his guitar hand.”

 

The laugh was choppy. Jane shook her head. “So lucky. The whole band is pretty banged up. Well, except Max, he was driving. But when he called he was crying so hard I could barely understand him.” This time Jane's laugh was real. “For a criminale, he is the softest man I've ever met.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a really long character study of daria, growing up, getting out of her first adult relationship, feeling lost and figuring things out. it's long, like 50000 words long and slow burnish- Trent/Daria. Also title comes from T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land.


End file.
